i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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