I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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