I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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