if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
