The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
