I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
