Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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