Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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