Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
