The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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