ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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