arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
