Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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