I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
