Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she told me i tasted like america
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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