Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
