I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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