i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
