Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
