Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
