Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
