3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
