You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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