I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
