did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
