its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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