how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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