Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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