Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
