my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
