I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
