Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
