and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
