I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
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I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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