can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
