Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
