We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
