What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
