I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
