u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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