are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
