Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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