seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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