You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
