Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
