i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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