..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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