I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
