I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
