Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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