All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
