the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
