I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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