Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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