can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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