i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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