This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
