who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
