Your mouth is God's brothel.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
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He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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